


COVID-19

by limeta



Category: Creepypasta - Fandom
Genre: 2012 called it wants its slenderman back, Crack, Gen, Obvious crack, Slenderman is unamused by your sudden interest in physical activity, god i've never felt happier, it's 2020 and i've gone back to my roots by writing slenderman fanfiction, jeff has a bachelor's degree, jeff's doing okay, this is the funniest shit to me is2g
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25219240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/limeta/pseuds/limeta
Summary: Slenderman is fascinated by the sudden influx of hikers in his woods, especially during a global pandemic.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 37





	COVID-19

Marcus Smith is not an outdoorsy person by any means. He lazes around most of the time in his house and plays video games, living a life of contentment and joy. This has been his status quo for as long as he can remember. Most of his friends are, also, gamers – or they’re from work so once a week or biweekly he goes out drinking with a couple of them and it’s safe to say that he _has_ a social life.

All of his life, he has made sure that all of his friendships are with people who find the outdoors overwhelming or sports a matter more complicated and difficult than any Dark Souls boss ever could be. This isn’t to say that Marcus hates the outdoors or that he hates sport or people who like sports – no, that would be sad and Marcus is too op for that.

Everyone’s got that side of them that’s absolutely idiotic. Marcus gets his two cents of famous idiocy during the Corona pandemic. People are dying. People are protesting. There is a lot going on, but Marcus is ignoring all of this. He plays his video games and doesn’t mind whatever is happening outside his four walls. As long as it doesn’t affect his speed run time, it’s fine and dandy. Though, when people begin wearing masks for health’s sake and everyone starts saying that going outside needs to be minimized – ohohoohoooo that is the _last_ straw for Marcus Smith.

How dare **anyone** tell him how he’s going to spend his time? If he wants to bloody well go hiking during a ‘fake’ and ‘foreign’ pandemic, then he is going to fucking do so!

One quick google search later and Marcus is ready to hike through the nearby forest that is supposedly ‘haunted’ and ‘definitely not a place a single person should go through all by himself because of the massive amount of unexplained disappearances’. Marcus is a _gamer_. Marcus is, even beyond gaming, a person that knows how to **critically think** and sees that this whole corona scare is a conspiracy theory or a giant, global NATO experiment. He knows what’s **really** up.

It’s about an hour into his new hiking expedition that Marcus realises the birds have stopped chirping. He makes a note of this due to the fact that a moment prior he has said how annoying they are. But now without them, Marcus has to agree how unnatural this forest walk has become without any sounds. All of the rustles have quieted. When Marcus steps over a fallen branch it is the most deafening sound in the entire world.

He doesn’t remember when it’s become like this, exactly. Marcus looks around and tries to remember which way to go back to the city. The sight that he does see when he turns around reminds of a character straight out of Bloodborne.

Which is unfortunate because Marcus hasn’t beaten that game yet.

The creature takes a step forward towards him. Marcus curses under his breath, turns around, and begins running.

He runs as fast as his legs will carry him, too afraid to turn away and damn himself. His bag has been discarded after getting stuck on a tree branch. Hurriedly he’s shaken it off and continued trying to escape.

A sudden force hits him across his legs and causes him to fall down and hit his head on a rock. His head throbs painfully and blood coats his skin and hair. 

’’What I fail to understand...’’ The creature speaks directly into his head and Marcus forces himself to crawl faster, but as whips of black tar slip from the creature’s back – he becomes utterly frozen mid movement. For added discomfort and assurance that he cannot run, these whips wrap around his throat and hold him in place.

’’You refused to stay inside.’’ The whips tighten. Its voice is raspy. ’’Now,’’ it turns casual and amused, ’’don’t get me wrong by any means, _Marcus_.’’ Marcus’ eyes water with tears and horror as the whips twist around his throat and block air from his lungs. Then, when he is near falling apart it loosens the grip and Marcus _breathes_. ’’I do enjoy your presence. I _need_ humanity. I do admit, this level of rebellion fascinates me. Stay inside, your leaders croon, but what do _you_ do, Marcus?’’

Marcus doesn’t answer. He can’t bring himself to. This creature has bent down at an angle that’s inhumanly possible. But, what else can Marcus expect? This is not a human being. The creature’s mouth begins to tear apart to reveal jagged teeth. Hands grab at Marcus’ shoulders and pull him up. The whips angle Marcus’ head so he is leaning it back. He is shaking with horror and fright as fear slams through him, up from his curling toes to his chattering teeth and twitching eyes.

The creature’s mouth splits and its voice enters the world. There is a difference to it now. It is a rumble from the abyss, definitive and powerful and arcane. ’’You choose to go **_hiking_**.’’ The whips – and Marcus sees that they come from the creatures back, are tendrils of sorts. They smear their leaking, oozing substance onto his shirt before they take him up to throttle him.

Marcus cannot speak. Words have left him. Movement has failed him. He is nothing more than prey to this creature that’s come out of the trees and begun following him. Tears continue to slide down his cheeks and they mix with mucus, painting him as a sad and pathetic sight. He feels a wetness that is distinctly not sweat and finds that he has pissed himself. He has more pressing things to care about than pride.

The creature’s mouth widens into a grin. ’’I hope seeing my forest was worth disobeying orders from your superiors. You humans never cease to _amaze_ , Marcus.’’

Marcus gasps for breath unsuccessfully as he kicks his legs in a futile attempt to break free from the creature’s grasp. It is unrelenting and controlled. Each moment that Marcus is allowed to breathe is a chance for the creature to enjoy and amuse itself with. This thing is a cat and Marcus is its mouse or trapped insect.

’’I deal with humans. They offer to serve me, but I expect a level of obedience from them. Say, for example’’ the creature twirls its hand about casually, ‘’if I were to tell them to stay inside because of a... _ah_... global ...pandemic – yesss,’’ the voice turns like a kettle whistle and Marcus’s eyes swim with flashing dots that layer across his vision, ’’I would be most displeased were I to find them trespassing so deep into my woods.’’

’’I- I’m sorry.’’

’’Your apology means nothing to me, Marcus.’’ The voice croons. One of the hands let go of his shoulder to caress his cheek and tsk sympathetically. Its head tilts. ’’I have seen your mind. You are, by no means, an active human. You play games on your little boxes – computers – phones? I have stopped paying attention to technological **innovation**.’’ The creature actually pauses its movement and loosens the grip it has on Marcus entirely, giving him a chance to collect himself. Marcus is too busy coughing to note how confused the creature has become. ’’Mobile phones? Zoom? Ah, pardon, that is a generation of small humans who crush the superiors in revolution.’’

Marcus, a champ, attempts to crawl to his freedom. This creature lets him entertain the idea, but then when he attempts to stand up and run – a giant force knocks him back down.

’’Please,’’ Marcus wheezes out,’’let me go. I, I will never go here! I promise!’’

The creature shakes with silent laughter. Its long hands press flat against Marcus’ back. ’’Of course not.’’ One of the hands trails upward so it rests against the back of Marcus’ head. It wraps around Marcus’ head and begins to squeeze the life out of him. The mouth must have disappeared because when the creature speaks next, Marcus only hears it inside of his head: ’’You will never go anywhere anymore. Perhaps you should have heeded the warnings and played your games – because you will have always lost this one on my playing field.’’

Marcus’ head is crushed. The creature flips him and coaxes a sliver of air out of Marcus’ lips. Next it guides this source of energy so it can absorb its power. Once this is done the creature has a full body shudder rippled thought it. The tendrils slip out again and grab a hold of the nearby trees to hold it up from falling down. They are twitchier and jagged than before, reminiscent of rigid tree branches. and shudders when it absorbs.

It recedes away from the human carrion, leaning on a tree for balance. Large claws flex and grab a hold of one of the branches that align perfectly with its height. Its knees are weak and unsteady.

Feeling this feeble and faint makes for a paranoid mess that turns around at even the simplest rustle. Tendrils aim at the intruder.

It is a human with a mask and goggles on.

’’Tall, thin, and terrifically handsome!’’ The human aims a knife (pointy thing, humanity’s cheap weapon of choice if the creature remembers correctly) and sounds like it is laughing. The body gesticulations seem to suggest mirth and happiness. It is odd to be subjected with a wall. Usually humans exhibit all of their traits on their faces – but given this pandemic it is difficult to read them. Hah, now the creature understands how humanity must feel. It is...an inconvenience. Humans are very expressive.

This human’s speech is muffled behind the mask. It turns to Marcus and notes that he did not deign to even wear a mask on his adventure into the forbidden outdoors. Serves him right.

’’Do we know each other?’’

The human balks and takes off the goggles and mask for just a moment. Oh. This human _is_ an acquaintance, after all!

’’Jeff. You look human with the mask.’’

’’I _am_ human, thanks.’’ Jeff crosses his arms. It is strange to see Jeff like this. They have not spoken in a long while.

’’Why are you here?’’ It moves towards the trees and leans on the bark, seeping energy from it to keep afloat. This has never happened before. Feeding has never been this difficult. A hiss of frustration and exhaustion enters the world and drowns out the small noises Jeff makes.

’’I heard you were lonely.’’

It tilts its head. Loneliness is a given. It is not a negative feeling, not for this particular creature.

’’Santa’s little helpers are all gone, right?’’

It waits.

Jeff explains: ‘’Your proxies. Where are they?’’

’’I told them to stay away so they don’t catch the plague. Breaking in new ones is tiresome.’’

’’It’s not the _plague_.’’ Jeff corrects, but he sounds amused. Finding that the tendrils are too busy keeping it standing up and not there to attack Jeff, he moves closer by stepping over Marcus’ body. ’’It’s a virus.’’

’’Why are so many people outside?’’ The creature asks Jeff. ’’If people are meant to be inside and amusing themselves, then why are they all suddenly outside riding around on their devices and coming into my forest? I have never had this many trespassers.’’

’’Doesn’t that suit you better?’’ Jeff sheaths his knife and places his hands into his pockets. He circles the creature and sits down at the bottom of the tree to relax. One of the tendrils slides downward and presses on Jeff’s murky hair, tousling it. It is how feral dogs like it and it is how Jeff likes it. The feral dogs allow this because fear paralyses them from running away. Jeff appreciates touch because humans are social creatures.

’’I have more work than ever. It is _not_ good.’’ The tendrils harden and twitch into blades. Most of them claw at the bark. The one on Jeff’s head causes Jeff to scream out that the tendrils are pulling out his magnificent mane. That one relaxes and slips back into the creature’s back. ’’My apologies. I have been under a lot of stress. Tell me about you. We have not spoken in a few moons’ time.’’

’’A bit longer than that.’’ Jeff hisses under his breath as he tries to right his hair. ’’A year is more accurate.’’

’’A year?’’ The creature straightens up and tilts its head further in confusion. It taps an atonal melody on the clawed, drained bark with its slender, long fingers.

Jeff sighs. He pushes himself to his feet and tries to talk, craning his neck back and deciding he hates talking to tall entities like the one looming above him. ’’Business has been good on my end. I actually went to a GameStop and people didn’t scream at me!’’

’’I am pleased to note that you have acclimated to this strange way of life. I know for you humans any breach in your identity is met with hatred and fear.’’ It slides down to sit next to Jeff, saying that this is to be a hospitable host – when in fact, it is difficult to stand.

’’Yeah, well,’’ Jeff rubs the back of his neck and scoots away to give his tall acquaintance more room. He doesn’t mention how odd this behaviour is. Possibly because he is self-absorbed: ‘’There’s a difference between wearing a fucking giant top hat in a movie theatre to wearing a mask that stops an actual life-threatening – you even listening to me, dude?’’

It flicks Jeff with its long fingers and Jeff attempts and fails to shield himself from falling over from the force of such a gesture. ‘’Have you forgotten my stance on being called _dude_.’’

’’Well, I had to check if you were listening to me! I’m well aware of how sophisticated you are.’’ Jeff forces on a posh British accent for whatever reason. ‘’You are above such plebeian matters.’’

’’You ought to call things what they are. Dude is one of those humans who wear colourful clothes and carry around giant blocks of wood.’’

Jeff actually stops speaking to stare. ‘’Wait.’’ He speaks, flabbergasted, outraged, and pleased all at the same time. His voice is very expressive. Jeff is obviously trying not to laugh. ‘’That’s what you think a dude is? I mean, you’re right, but dude is much more than a surfer!’’ 

The creature finds that it enjoys Jeff’s laugh as long as it is not mocking. It understands the difference now. Years later. ’’You are old for your kind, Jeff.’’

This causes Jeff to mirror the head tilting to show back how confused he is at what’s been said. It’s very helpful. ’’I’m _twenty-two_.’’

’’Ten more years left, then?’’ A decade is nothing to a creature as old as it is. Jeff ought to know this. All of the proxies do not live long. Humans do not live long, either. Especially not the kind of humans it finds in its forest. 

‘’No, um, yeah. Actually, that’s _very_ wrong.’’

‘’Wrong? How is it wrong, Jeff? You were a zoomer and now you’re a boomer.’’

’’Dude – wait I forgot, don’t hit me – _Slenderman_ – pal – **buddy** – those are GENERATIONS. Humans can live to be one hundred years old even! I mean, not while they’re around you, for obvious reasons. But, I’m neither of those things. I am the accursed _millennial_. Not some Gen Z twerp.’’

‘’I do not understand.’’

Jeff is never tired of explaining things, this is why Jeff is still alive. ‘’Zoomer is not a new word for kid. Chid. Tyke. Brat. They’re just this specific type of human that has been born after 1999.’’

Slenderman crosses his arms. ‘’How inconvenient. Do I have to pay attention to this?’’

‘’No. It’s just a way to complicate inter-personal relationships ever further.’’

‘’What’s boomer then?’’

‘’Old people.’’

‘’Am I a boomer?’’

‘’You’re really, _really_ not.’’ Jeff is trying not to bust a gut laughing. Slenderman places his hand flat against Jeff’s head. Much alike how he’s done with Marcus. He rests it there for a moment to see how Jeff may react.

It continues to surprise him how Jeff _trusts_ him. An improvement compared to his child like self, to be sure. ‘’You are taller.’’

‘’That’s what people do when they grow up.’’

‘’I know this.’’

‘’You were small too once upon a time, right?’’

’’I believe I just came out of a tree fully grown.’’

’’Terrifying mental image, man.’’ Then Jeff pauses. He leans forward and asks. ’’Are you even a man?’’

Slenderman shrugs. ’’This does not interest me. Humans have given me these titles for their own sake and I do not mind.’’ A pause now, as he mimics Jeff: ‘’Do you mind?’’

’’Nah. I was just wondering when you think about yourself, what do you think _you_ are?’’

This is not a question that comes up often and it takes Slenderman a moment to recuperate. He pulls his hand away and cradles it to his chest. ’’I have had many names and many titles. Right now I am Slenderman... which is ... funny and I could talk about why it is funny to me for hours, but I fear you have better things to do than to listen to my rambling, Jeff. The gist is that Man means I ought to use these He and Him pronouns.’’ Slenderman shrugs his shoulders. ’’To most humans I am an ’it’, a creature of terrifying proportions that is set to kill them. Most of these humans are correct. The ones that humanize me only do so because if they were to accept my monstrosity and otherness they would be incapable of continuing their daily life. It is easier for them to put me in a category.’’

’’I’m special, though! I’m not like-’’

’’Other girls?’’

’’Oh my _god_ no. Where’d you hear that from?’’

’’A lot of people say this, Jeff.’’

’’I know, but under which circumstances would anyone have said it to YOU?’’

’’Never to me, Jeff. People do not talk to me unless they beg for their life. I eavesdropped.’’

’’Aaah.’’ Jeff hums. ’’That makes more sense.’’

Slenderman leans onto the tree and rests his head gently against the bark. Jeff asks him if he’s all right and if he needs anything. ’’You have been... silent.’’

’’I spoke in these minutes more than I have in months. What do you mean by silent?’’

Jeff takes a deep breath. He’s become a bit of an expert on interacting with the old and fickle creature in front of him. He is the last of his kind and Jeff has lost the will to defeat him, electing to learn from him instead. ’’Well, I’m worried about you. You’re old.’’

’’I have survived many worse things than age.’’ Slenderman trills. It is a dangerous sound. Jeff shrinks when he hears it and he shrinks even more when Slenderman pushes himself to stand up to his full height.

 _’’Nobody_ really knows how old you can get... and you have slowed... face it, man, you aren’t the same as you were in 2012!’’

Slenderman’s tendrils slip out from his back and ease towards Jeff. He doesn’t move, allowing them to wrap around his waist and lift him up. Jeff grabs onto them to steady himself. He looks at Slenderman, now face to face (or lack thereof, really). ’’Don’t misunderstand or get offended, please. That’s really, uh,’’ the tendrils twist around Jeff and he hasn’t drawn his knife yet to battle – which is the only reason why Slenderman is letting him speak,’’I’m just worried.’’

’’Why are you worried?’’

Jeff bats one of the tendrils that try to wrap around his neck. None attempt to do so after this. He scowls. ’’Because, you’re one of a kind. You’re the living embodiment of history. Don’t – Jesus Christ can you stop squeezing so much – if you don’t like what I’m saying just drop me already!’’

Slenderman obliges Jeff’s wish. The killer falls from the height and groans as he hits the ground. ’’Fucking piece of shit actually dropped me.’’ He pushes himself to his shaky feet and follows after Slenderman, who’s decided to leave the premises. He’s taken Marcus’ body to dispose of and use as fertilizer.

Jeff hastens his step. ’’I know you don’t like thinking about it – nobody old does – but –’’

Slenderman stops and Jeff hits the back of his legs from the quick change of pace.

’’It is not that I do not appreciate your concern. There have been humans like you before, Jeff. They have made me feel welcome. Witches and witch doctors or the occasional scientist who’s a hedonist by nature and is fascinated by my existence.’’ Slenderman cants his head back to look up at the tall tree tops and the sun fighting to burst through the thickly gathered leaves. ’’But there is no use to this conversation. There is no use to thinking about my death. One day, I am certain, feeding will become more difficult than it already has. One day, I am certain, I will choose not to feed or I will be unable to. I have not eaten for years, decades – to test it. There were no... effects... how a human may have had.’’

’’You starved yourself?’’ Jeff inches closer. He has taken off his goggles fully and placed them over his head as a headband. Even though he cannot express himself with his eyes how many other humans can, Slenderman can still tell, by the slight hitch in his voice that Jeff is confused and frightened of such a thing. How naive of the boy to become attached. Slenderman has never attached himself to humans. Proxies live and die. Humans live and die.

’’It is not starvation, Jeff. I just... taught myself not to be hungry. I believe it may be a defence mechanism if I do not have humans to feed off of. But you have multiplied so much over the centuries that I worry now if I will have enough trees to sleep in, rather than souls to eat.’’

’’Ever tried not sleeping?’’

’’Yes. That is... challenging.’’

’’Do you... _like_ living?’’ Jeff is, perhaps, the only human that has ever bothered to ask this. None else would ever dare in fear of him tearing them limb from limb. Perhaps Slenderman has allowed Jeff too many liberties.

’’Higher education has made you bold.’’ He finally says and makes sure that these words are seared in Jeff’s mind. It will be remembered.

Jeff peels off the mask and mutters about it being hellishly hot outside. He closes his eyes and tries to fight off the sudden migraine he knows is not as sudden or mysterious. ‘’That hurts like a bitch.’’ He crumples the mask in his fist and hisses.

‘’Not wearing your little protection.’’ The voice is not inside his head anymore, allowing Jeff a reprieve from the communication as intense as telepathy brings. Jeff looks up towards Slenderman and sees that his mouth has split again. The teeth can rival that of a shark, Jeff’s sure.

‘’I’ll put it on when I see some actual people. You can’t catch our viruses, right?’’

Slenderman agrees. ’’I cannot catch any of your little illnesses nor will I tell you about how unsafe it is to not wear one.’’

’’But you’ll hold a whole lecture about it to your friend?’’ Jeff gestures Marcus’ body. Slenderman tosses Marcus to the ground and says that what he does before he kills Marcus is to make him as despondent as possible because the soul tastes better.

’’Happy souls are uncomfortable to eat. Guilt, on the other hand proves to be an effective spice.’’ Slenderman speaks in Marcus’ voice when he says the next part: ’’Oh, if only I had obeyed and stayed inside – if only I had done as my superiors told me to I wouldn’t be in this mess!’’ Then the voice changes back. ’’It is, also, a chance to speak and interact with smart company. The proxies are away and I do not want them to mingle about and die of this fabled virus that is not the plague but is treated as such. I manage fine on my own.’’

’’Fine, he says.’’ Jeff whispers to himself, but Slenderman hears him and Jeff has to slap away a tendril that threatens to hit him over the head for his cheeky behaviour. ’’I don’t think you manage just fine. You’re obviously lonely.’’

’’And you have better things to do than come and visit me.’’

’’I’m not really doing anything this week. I graduated.’’ Jeff boasts. He puffs his chest out proudly.

’’A step up from when you were thirteen and feral, I must concede.’’

’’I wasn’t feral.’’ Jeff fails to defend himself. ’’I was... going through a lot.’’

’’Tell your victims this. No, furthermore, tell Jane this.’’

’’Hey, Jane and I have an agreement. We’re going to fight it out on the last day of this doomed year. Mary needs her and Ben needs me as emotional support.’’

’’Ben?’’

’’The guy who dresses like an elf.’’

’’I have no idea who this is.’’

’’You have met _multiple_ times.’’

’’Have we?’’

Jeff sighs, deeply. He tries to jog Slenderman’s memory. ’’He plays video games.’’

’’Like the one I’m in?’’

’’Yes, dude.’’

Slenderman doesn’t need a face for Jeff to tell he’s scowling at him.

’’Do you remember who Ben is?’’

’’Your proxy? Did you finally get a helper? Humans are social creatures and from my experience I have learned that you can never only have one. You always need to have multiple otherwise they’re more prone to suicide.’’

’’How many times do I have to go over this with you: I _don’t_ have a proxy.’’

’’True, you are not management material. I will be sure to remember this.’’

Jeff does not know how to feel about the fact that Slenderman is verbally destroying him without even trying. It’s surely not what he’s expected to happen during his visit.

’’Is Ben your friend then?’’

’’Yeah.’’ Jeff thinks that this is the closest Slenderman will come to understand relationships. ’’We help each other out.’’

’’But didn’t you say you only like women?’’ Slenderman proceeds to repeat, ad verbatim, Jeff’s speech to him from 2011 that is the cringiest damned thing only a thirteen-year-old could say.

Jeff places his head in his hands. ’’I was thirteen years old, oh my god. How do you even remember that?’’

’’I have, what one of my proxies has once called, an eidetic memory but for very impractical reasons.’’

Jeff decides to play with this. He claps his hands fast. ’’Quick, do you remember what you were doing during World War II?’’

’’Absolutely nothing. I was in a forest.’’

’’That’s disappointing.’’ Jeff deflates.

Slenderman tries to think while the move deeper into the woods. When he remembers something he says: ’’This may be of interest to you. I remember having a conversation with Nikola Tesla.’’

’’ _You_ met Tesla?’’

’’Yes.’’

Jeff whistles. ’’Hot damn, the guy who makes electronics fritz met the guy who made said electronics.’’

’’Is this meme talk?’’ Slenderman speaks before Jeff can answer him. ’’Yes, actually. I know Ben. He offered me the entirety of Homestuck.’’

‘’Offered?’’ Jeff is sure that his hearing is wrong, that his brain is wrong, that what he has heard he most definitely must have misheard. ‘ _’Homestuck_?’’

‘’Yes, humans have bartered their knowledge for their lives many times. Ben offered me his knowledge of Homestuck for entertainment.’’

’’Wait fuck, even I didn’t know that.’’ Jeff is in awe. ’’You’re _joking_ , right?’’

Slenderman trills, leaning down to see Jeff and frighten him by their close proximity. He widens his mouth and whispers: ’’Do I joke?’’

Again, Jeff does not react how humans usually do. He does take a step back and Slenderman goes back to his previous position.

’’Occasionally you joke. When you want to fuck with people without putting them in harm’s way. Did you take him up on the offer, though?’’ This has shaken Jeff. He looks dumbfounded.

‘’I have. Even I like to learn new things.’’

‘’I don’t believe you! Tell me one thing about Homestuck that proves this.’’

’’Now my guest does not trust me in my own home. How _disrespectful_.’’

Jeff won’t be swayed so easily. He’s been interacting with this entity for years and finds that he can tell a good amount of times when Slenderman is being serious and when he isn’t. Playful is the wrong word. Joking, even more. This is just Slenderman _not_ being serious.

’’Have you read all of it?’’

‘’No.’’ Jeff scoffs. ‘’Why would I do that? I don’t need that in my head.’’

Slenderman perks up at this. Jeff begins to suspect that Slenderman has become much more human; his punishments for disrespect have become cruel in a distinct way only a human can think.

‘’You are the type to enjoy it. I shall give it to you.’’

’’Noo.’’ Jeff hopes that Slenderman can’t.

When Slenderman takes a step closer to Jeff, this is the first time in years that Jeff has feared him.

’’Slenderman, _don’t you dare_ -’’

Slenderman proceeds to insert all of Homestuck into Jeff’s brain. It is the worst thing that has happened to Jeff. He falls to his knees and screams: ’’TAKE IT OUT! I NEVER NEEDED ALL OF THIS INFORMATION!!! How do you remember the entirety of Homestuck in such vivid detail – OH GOD THIS IS **_TERRIBLE_**.’’

He places a giant hand to his chest. ’’Jeff,’’ in the most insincere voice the entity has learned to use, ‘’now you are wiser. I have done you a favour.’’

’’The day you learned about memes is the day humanity has truly met its executioner.’’

’’Did you study English?’’ Slenderman asks, ignoring Jeff’s cursing. ’’I remember asking you why you would study English if you already speak it.’

’’I discovered Shakespeare and became insufferable for a few months.’’

’’Shakespeare is a funny man.’’

’’Man who met Nikola Tesla _and_ knows Shakespeare has the entirety of Homestuck stored in his head...’’

’’I know all of the ABBA songs, too.’’

Jeff is beginning to think that this visit has turned out to be very unproductive. _’’Why?’’_

’’They are pleasing.’’

‘’Who gave them to you?’’

‘’A proxy that’s dead. Nobody important or relevant.’’

They journey to a tree that looks exactly like all the others. Slenderman pats it and says that he is tired and will rest for the remainder of the day. Jeff is free to do whatever he wishes in the woods. ’’If you see hikers, please, engage them. They keep waking me. It is inconsiderate as I have planned to use this pandemic to sleep through a couple of months.’’

Jeff takes out his knife. ’’Sure, yeah, I’ll kill anyone that tries to disrupt your beauty sleep.’’

One of the tendrils knock Jeff to the ground in lightning speed. ’’You are bolder than you ought to be. Reign it in and live another day.’’

Jeff thanks him for the counsel and says he will watch his tongue in the future.

Slenderman stares at him in that very distinct way only a probably ageless being that knows he is being lied to can. ’’Jeff,’’ the voice pierces Jeff’s thoughts, but he remains strongly standing in spite of it, ’’do not take me for a fool.’’

’’Of course not, you know _Homestuck_. You’re _definitely_ someone worth fearing.’’

‘’Jeff, I give you Marcus’ bag. It is on a tree branch in that direction. I think he has money. You have more need for it than I do.’’

‘’Do you need me to dispose of Marcus’ body, too?’’ Jeff offers. He sees the cadaver draped over Slenderman’s shoulder still.

‘’No, I shall feed his body to the trees after I awake.’’

‘’Um… Should I ask?’’

’’Good night, Jeff.’’ Slenderman pats Jeff on the head with his hand and not his tendril.

Before Slenderman disappears into the bark, Jeff yells out: ’’Can I come by again?’’

’’To check up on me you mean?’’ Slenderman trills.

’’To talk to you.’’ Jeff corrects to make Slenderman feel better about it, not to back out of what he’s said prior. He still thinks someone ought to pay attention to him. ’’I enjoy your company!’’

’’You may return.’’ Slenderman says and pulls himself into the tree, melding whole with it. Jeff’s mouth falls open at the sight and a shudder courses up his spine. This could very well be the first time anyone has seen this creature at his most vulnerable.

Jeff nods, faintly aware of his surroundings and the way the birds have started up chirping after their forest’s most dangerous tenant has left.

After finding the bag he starts to leave the forest. He doesn’t even make it fully outside before seeing a group of five people carrying around supplies for a barbecue. Jeff pulls his mask over his face, unsheathes his knife, and accepts that this pandemic has really made for a busy lifestyle.

‘’STAY THE FUCK INSIDE!’’

**Author's Note:**

> It's 2020 and I'm writing Slenderman... lmao this is the most fun I've had in years


End file.
